In other news

(Update: Consistent with the post above, I am sorry to report that there is no time-travelling stockbroker after all; the hard-working staff at WOKR-TV 13 News in Rochester, and many other news outlets, were taken in by a hoax. The story first appeared in the Weekly World News, which might have been a tip-off. Apparently it’s been all over the net since April Fool’s Day.)

Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street trader on insider-trading charges – but he insists he’s a time-traveller from the year 2256.

Andrew Carlssin, 44, hasn’t convinced investigators though.

An insider says, “We don’t believe this guy’s story – he’s either a lunatic or a pathological liar. But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks’ time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck. The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail until he agrees to give up his sources.”

Carlssin attracted attention to himself after making 126 high-risk trades and winning every time.

The source adds, “If a company’s stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance.”

But when Carlssin was called in for questioning he declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

— snip —

Officials are quite confident the “time-traveler’s” claims are bogus.

Yet the source admits, “No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002.”

Story here, via this space’s favorite bush kangaroo.