Bush Gives Christ SCOTUS Nod
Monday, November 21, 2005
WASHINGTON (AP) – Reeling from the rebuke he received over the nomination of Harriet Miers, George Bush nominated former carpenter Jesus Harold Christ today to the nation’s highest court. “I’ve been saying for years now that he’s my favorite philosopher,” the President remarked, “so I think the American people will be proud when they get to know J.C.’s judicial philosophicalness.”
Bush called on the Senate to “review every aspect of Jesus’ qualifications fairly and with haste. It’s important that we get an up-down vote on this nomination by the end of the year”.
Holy Nomination Deemed Controversial
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
WASHINGTON (NYT) – Despite being the figurehead of one of the world’s largest religions, the nomination of Jesus Christ to replace Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court is getting a mixed reaction on the Hill from Democrats — and Republicans.
“Who is this guy?”, universally-beloved maverick John McCain asked reporters. “I find it hard to believe that this guy has gone thirty-three years without ever taking a stand on Roe v. Wade.”
In an off-the record interview with the Times, Senator Chuck Schumer added “He seems like a nice guy, but I’ll need to see what comes out during the conformation process before making any decisions”.
Conservatives Revolt Over Jesus
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
WASHINGTON (UPI) – In a strong blow to President Bush, conservative activists have rallied against the nomination of Jesus Christ to the Supreme Court.
“We were promised a strict constructionist,” television panhandler Pat Robertson told reporters. “We don’t know anything about his views on gay marriage, stem cells, or any other important issues. God-fearing Christians like me who gave this President the White House deserve to know where this nominee stands.”
The Christ nomination is seen as the latest rebuke for a President who, in recent weeks, has seen a stock market crash, the execution of top aides for treason, and the flooding of New Orleans by Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Gamma.
Bush Seeks Support Over Court Pick
Monday, December 12, 2005
CRAWFORD (Reuters) – Interrupting his nine-week holiday break, the President sought to ease conservative concerns over his increasingly controversial pick for the Supreme Court.
“I know his heart,” Bush reassured his supporters,” and he knows mine. After all, he lives in it.”
Speaking Sunday on Meet The Press, Senate Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter remained skeptical. “I haven’t seen anything to convince me that Jesus will faithfully interpret the constitution. Raising the dead and turning water into wine may be neat party tricks, but the American people deserve more.”
Documents Reveal Softer Side of Nominee
Friday, December 16, 2005
WASHINGTON (AP) – In a development that Senate Judiciary staffers described as “troubling”, the White House today released a pile of documents in an attempt to bolster its nomination of Jesus Christ to the nation’s top court.
“The meek shall inherit the Earth? Turn the other cheek? I don’t think we can afford a Supreme Court justice who’s weak on terror,” a top Republican official said.
Though short on judicial experience, the documents reveal a nominee with a long career dedicated to helping the poor, comforting the afflicted, and spreading the word of god.
“He might as well have nominated Robin Hood,” joked one GOP leader. “Christ’s dedication to redistributing wealth puts him far outside the mainstream. He’s an extremist in the Souter/Kennedy mold.”
Group Runs Ad Urging Jesus Filibuster
Monday, December 19, 2005
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Putting the nomination of Jesus in further danger, the conservative group Christians Against Christ began airing ads today urging Senate Republicans to filibuster the upcoming Supreme Court confirmation hearings.
Transcript of C.A.C. ad, “Who is this Jesus?”
ANNOUNCER : Liberal Democrats in the Senate agree on the nomination of Jesus Christ.
SEN. SCHUMER : He seems like a nice guy –
ANNOUNCER : What do they know that we don’t? We can’t have another liberal activist on the Supreme Court. Call your Senator today and tell them to filibuster Jesus. America deserves better.
Bush Remains Confident On Nominee
Friday, December 23, 2005
WASHINGTON (AP) – Speaking via teleconference at a birthday party for his embattled Supreme Court pick, the President reiterated his support for Jesus Christ. “Jesus has a great heart,” Bush said. ” and I know that he’ll be the same person in twenty years that he is today.”
Seeking to quell criticism over leaked memos that reveal opposition to the death penalty, Administration officials publicly rallied behind Christ, but questions remain about whether or not Christ will be able to make it out of the Senate Judiciary committee.
“People are worried around here,” a White House aide told reporters. “Let’s pretend that we decided to change our minds about this Jesus nomination…not that we are, ummm…do you have any ideas??”
Decrying Pharisees, Christ Withdraws Nomination
Monday, December 26, 2005
WASHINGTON (AP) – In a letter to the President today, Supreme Court nominee Jesus H. Christ withdrew his nomination. Though it had become increasingly clear that Jesus lacked the votes in the Senate needed to be confirmed, Bush had as recently as this weekend reaffirmed his support for Christ.
Speaking out against the hypocrisy of his critics, Jesus wrote to the President “Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?”
Pressed for a comment at his Crawford ranch, the President asked “Jesus who?”