Defending Karl

Since the White House’s efforts to spin their way out of the fact that they’re harboring a traitor have been a huge failure, here are a few suggestions for ways Republicans who don’t really care about national security can defend Karl Rove :

The Polyamory Defense

In an email to Time’s Matt Cooper, Karl Rove mentioned “Wilson’s wife” works for the CIA, but everybody just jumped to the conclusion that Wilson is only married to one woman. While the investigation is ongoing, it’s too early to tell whether Wilson was or wasn’t a bigamist. Until Fitzgerald has completed his inquiry, the question isn’t whether or not Rove revealed Valerie Plame’s CIA status (which is obviously wrong), but which one of Wilson’s wives was Rove referring to?

The Unwritten Rule Defense

What people outside of Washington don’t understand is that it’s common for government insiders to reveal top secret information to reporters with the understanding that the information in question will never, ever find its way into print. What’s truly unusual in this instance was the snitching of that rat bastard Matt Cooper. Everyone who’s worked in the Capitol for a while has received a few phone calls which anyone with an understanding of journalistic ethics knows you’re not supposed to talk about. Just ask any Washington insider about Bill Clinton’s late night phone calls to tell people what’s really in Area 51 or Bush Sr.’s chats with reporters about hiding out on the grassy knoll waiting for Kennedy’s motorcade. This isn’t a big deal.

The “Librul Commie” Defense

When Valerie “Wilson” gave $1000 to Al Gore in 2000, it compromised her the CIA dummy corporation she used as a front, Brewster-Jennings & Associates. But if one of our CIA covert operatives is aiding and abetting that nerd who thinks he invented the internets, where do her allegiances really stand? That alone is enough to suggest she may have been a double agent working for the Reds.

The “He Was Helping Her” Defense

It’s funny how much these silly little “bloggers” think they know about how the CIA works. At a certain point, an operative’s cover becomes so deep that it wraps around like a Moebius strip. At that level of cover, CIA operations require the outing of an agent as an exercise in black ops reverse reverse psychology. Rove, showing a clear understanding of CIA procedures, outed Plame in order to help her. If you want to know how the CIA really works, you’ve got to read one of the more informative manuals like “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”.

The 16 Words Defense

Karl Rove was trying to ensure that Joseph Wilson’s lies didn’t hurt our national security. Yes, Joseph Wilson went to Niger and determined that the documents regarding uranium shipments to Iraq were forgeries, but the President explicitly said “uranium from Africa“, not just Niger. Has Wilson looked into uranium shipments out of Lesotho, Burkina Faso, or Djibouti?? I didn’t think so…